Woeful Spotlight: Maria Ciampa

Maria's essay in Woe of the Road shows how way way way too much of a good thing can be oh so bad!  

To this day you can't eat orange Popsicles? Any other foods that bring back gag re-flexing memories?

Hmmmmm.....Yes - chicken cacciatore. My mom made that every other night for about a year. Thank god she moved onto her pizza phase, which lasted a few delicious years. And I don't have any memories attached to it, but I gag if I think about eating oysters, because gross.

If you were reincarnated as any ice cream flavor, what would it be?

Rocky road, for the metaphor. I'd be the Bruce Springsteen of ice cream. I would wear a red bandana on my ice cream scoop head and really relate to blue collar Americans.

 

How long did it take you and your siblings to polish off those 30 boxes of Popsicles? 

One and a half days.

Promote yourself --- where can we find your work? 

You can find my live comedy show schedule at www.mariaciampa.com.  If you don't understand the internet, don't panic yet. Simply come to ImprovBoston in Cambridge, MA on a Sunday night at 9 pm, and I'll be there telling jokes.  Okay, now you can panic.  Go learn internet.

 

Woeful Spotlight: Julie Kitayama

Julie’s essay in Woe of the Road proves that fairytale endings are bunch of hooey, despite what animatronic cartoon characters want you to believe.  


What is your greatest place on Earth?

I don’t know if it’s the greatest, but my favorite place to be is in my back yard early Sunday mornings.  I wake up really early, make a fresh pot of percolator coffee and sit in silence for hours reading the paper.  Luckily I only get the Sunday paper or I would be late for work every day.  

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

I would be one of these little dogs that ladies carry around in their purses.  That way I could see the world and everyone would tell me how cute I am and I wouldn’t have to compliment anyone in return. I could also growl at people that I don’t like without getting called bitch like I do when I growl at people I don’t like now.  

We hear you're into time travel. Where would you like to go?  

If I could time travel, I would go back to the day I bought the dress for my junior prom.  That was a mistake.  No one north of the Mason Dixon line should wear a hoop skirt dress.  They should have a warning label...“Cotillion Only”.

Promote yourself --- where can we find your work? 

Most of my published writing has been in the form of Chinese food restaurant reviews for an online Canadian newspaper.  That kind of work pays surprisingly well and I’m a big foodie.  My unpublished writing can be heard in my stand up comedy performances.  I perform regularly around New England and irregularly in other states although rarely below the Mason Dixon line.  I don’t have the right outfits for that...anymore.     

Woeful Spotlight: Linda Morgan

This week's spotlight is on Linda Morgan. Linda's story in Woe of the Road reminds us that when our significant others say to "just follow the signs" to get to the airport, it's best to just get their asses out of bed and have them drive you.


If jet packs became an acceptable form of personal transportation, would you own one, and why/why not?

Absolutely I would own one.  Not only for the safety of drivers still on the road but for the security of knowing I wouldn't be getting stuck in traffic without a soda cup to pee in (because my daughter made me clean out my car.)

What would the title of your autobiography be?
BORN YESTERDAY - The Untimely Life of Linda Morgan

If you came home to find an alien from outer space on your porch, what three questions would you ask it?

1. Why is the sky blue?
2. Will it hurt when you probe me?
3. Does this space suit make me look fat?

Promote yourself.  Where can our readers find more of Linda Morgan? 

I am a comic, actor, and writer who just moved to MA from CT. I recently played the role of Mrs. Collins in the feature length comedy Burial Boys, which won Best CT Film and Funniest Flick at the Silk City Flick Fest. Everything else about me that's fit to print is on
www.LindaLMorgan.com

Woeful Spotlight: Erica Deis

Erica Deis's tale in Woe of the Road is a cautionary tale about Canadian travel. Specifically...never run over a man named Pierre. 

If you found an alien from outer space on your porch, what three questions would you ask it?

Are we talking a freakishly large headed alien, or maybe one of those Star Trek girls with fake boobs and just kind of pointed ears? 

I'd ask, "On your planet, do you know it's polite to call first before you just show up on someone's porch?" I wouldn't get too irked about it. It could be a cultural thing. Maybe aliens bombarded each other's porches all the time.

As I lead the alien to my washer and dryer, I'd ask if they knew it was a tradition in our culture (or at least my house) if you did show up unannounced on someone's porch to do all of their laundry, and fold it. I'd put it away this time, but others might not be so gracious. I'd even throw in a juice box or a glass of wine before I tossed the alien back on the porch.

If the alien had on cute shoes, or it was a male alien and he had on a jaunty ascot, I would ask "Hey, where did you get those shoes or ascot?" This would make the alien feel like they had a knack for style. It also would be a good segue into directing them how to separate the white clothes from the colored clothes. And, if they started crashing other porches and the residents were all "touchy-feely" and didn't make them do their laundry, at least I'd be the girl who complimented their attire. At least its something. 

What would be the title of your autobiography? 

"Finding The Courage to Peaceably Co-Exist in a World With Wood Paneling and Keno Pencils"

Keno pencils are so useless. They are short, stubby, ergonomically unsound, and do not have an eraser. What is the point of having a pencil without an eraser? There is something violently aggressive about them. And as far as wood paneling goes? I still haven't completely worked through that.
 

What would be the title of Pierre's autobiography?

I suspect I was a victim. I think he preyed on American women by leaping in front of cars driven by American women. It's dangerous, but must have earned him pity sex somewhere along the line. It could have cost him a limb, and how could you not put out if you ran over a cripple? He was a good looking guy,even splayed out on the pavement. If he did lose an arm, he couldn't do that weird pat-slap kiss thing. That first kiss may have been slightly less repulsive. If that were the case, his autobiography would be "Jumping In Front of Cars: A Canadian Carnival of Lust".

Promote yourself. Where else can our readers find your writing?

You can read one of my haikus on any downtown bathroom stall in chalky red lipstick until the cleaning staff catches wind of it. I'm working on a couple of projects that I'm excited about. It may involve lipstick, but in a more abstract way.

  You can friend request me on Facebook.  You'll probably change your mind about that decision around the time you receive your fourth dancing cat at 4 a.m.  You'd be surprised how many people like to Youtube their cats dressed up like elves doing the Macarena. You will also be amazed how much I enjoy plastering your profile with them.

Woeful Spotlight: Amy Leah Potter

Travel extremest Amy Leah Potter has been to the ends of the Earth and back again! Her essays in Woe of the Road will make you glad you live in a country that believes in air conditioning and show you what "not" to do when visiting a monastery during snack time.

The cookie from the monastery sounded pretty gross indeed, but what's the grossest thing you've ever eaten?

Hmmm...I have eaten some pretty unusual things...puffin, kangaroo, alpaca, tarantula, guinea pig, whale, reindeer and an assortment of things that I was told was "chicken", but the grossest think that I ever eaten was definitely deep fried scorpion.  It wasn't the taste or even the crunch or the insect - it's the fact that it feels like I am still pulling legs out from between my teeth.

You're an avid traveler. What's the coolest place you've visited?

Tough question...New Zealand reminds me of home (Canada), Mongolia has a fantastic remote feeling and nothing can beat the food of Italy but I would have to say Rwanda is the coolest.  Considering the fairly recent genocide - the country has made a remarkable recovery.  Plus - everyone should spend one hour in the presence of the gorillas - an experience you will change you...

What's your idea of hell...besides a sweltering night in Cambodia?

Love traveling but loathe airports.  The flying process is hell to me.  It's not the actual flying that bothers me...it's the countless queues, idiots trying to shove steamer trunks into overhead bins, nickel and diming airlines and folks crowded around the baggage carousel.  I am fortunate enough to have seen many things in the world...I'll see the rest of it when teleporting machines become mainstream.

Promote yourself --- where can we find your work? 

I don't have too much in the way of "work" for people to find.  Most of my days, and too many nights are spent in ICUs, Emergency Departments and Operating Rooms dreaming of the next time I can wander in a foreign land with no cell reception.  I have found that I really enjoy writing things that are not policies or work instructions.  I started to send e-mails back home to friends and family and I saved them for my own personal memories.  Most people joke that their biggest audiences are their family - not mine...my Dad once wrote back "sounds like fun".  Apparently he didn't read the entire message because I was recovering after being struck by a car.  So now, as a personal journal of sorts, I keep a blog that houses travel memories and photos.  It's not up to date and an editor would have a coronary at the grammar errors that pepper the writing but when I am having a long day - I look back and remember why I work...to leave.  It's open on the internet so that the occasional family member, friend or shut in can see what I have been up to.  If you are ever in need of a the literary equivalent of a warm glass of milk, feel free to stop on by.  (any comments are welcome and VERY much appreciated!) www.amyleahpotter.blogspot.com

I am also proud to be a part of "Woe of the Road" and the upcoming book "All Woe Great and Small"!

Woeful Spotlight: Mike Ryan

Mike Ryan is a Rhode Island writer, actor, and film guru. His essay in Woe of the Road provides valuable safety information on surviving an attack by Bearzilla.

You are very active in the Rhode Island film community.  What was the strangest character you ever played in a film? 

I once played a serial killing priest with a punctuality fetish and a taste for human flesh. Eating fake skin off a naked woman who was playing dead was pretty odd. Because of my height, I’ve also played a lot of butlers, but that’s not nearly as weird.

An alien from outer space is on your front porch.  What three questions would you ask it? 

How was your flight? Why has it been so long since you visited? Want a beer?

Who would win in a Godzilla vs. Bearzilla showdown? 

                                               

Bearzilla, claws down. How old is Godzilla, anyway? He’s gotta be getting on in years, and ready for the geriatric league.

Promote yourself.  Where else can we find your work?  

Mike wrote a monthly technology column for Providence Monthly called Technobabble and currently writes a regular column on local film events for Motif Magazine in Providence. Any day now, you’ll be able watch his work on screen too at the Showcase. Just need to get Tom Cruise on board. Any day now.

Mug of Woe Takes Public Television By Storm!

Hey Woeians! Check out our TV debut on It's All Write with Suzette!

How to Write a Humor Compilation with "Mug of Woe" co-creator KYLE CRANSTON

by Suzette Standring Plus              
       

Mug of Woe is a collection of humor essays of one’s most embarrassing moments. The contributors are stand-up comedians and professional humorists. Mug of Woe won Best Anthology at the 2011 New England Book Festival. Kyle Cranston is the co-editor (with Jenn Dlugos) and a contributor to Mug Of Woe. She talks about the concept of a humor compilation, the selection process, what makes humor essays outstanding, and the publication process.