Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Woeful Spotlight: Suzette Standring


You are required to move to a deserted island for one year.  You are allowed to take five items.  What do you take? 

No techno options, soooooo:

  • A machete because something will need to be cut through, cut down or cut up.
  • A fishing rod – I can make do on a steady diet of sushi.
  • The Bible because it’s challenging, comforting, enlightening and LONG.
  • Drinking water
  • My husband, David, to cut, fish, build, and heft pallets of water while I read.

Crayola wants to create a crayon in honor of you.  What would they name the color?

Fission Confusion – Energy yellow with a touch of chaos.

If you could go on a road trip with any famous person (dead or alive), who would it be and where would you go? 

David Sedaris and I would travel to San Francisco (my hometown) and watch the lady spit pumpkin seeds onto the bus floor, eat at “The Hawaiian BBQ CafĂ©” where no barbecue has ever been offered and read haiku on the sidewalks of the Embarcadero.

Promote yourself – where can we find your writing, and what projects are you working on right now? 

Suzette Martinez Standring is syndicated with GateHouse News Service for her humor and religion columns. She is the award winning author of The Art of Column  Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists. She teaches writing workshops nationally and is currently working on “Have Stepstool, Will Travel: Petite Women Speak of Stature,” a guide to navigating the world at armpit level written by women, 5’3” and under.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Mug of Woe is now Award-Winning!

Thanks to the New England Book Festival for awarding Mug of Woe as the runner-up in the Best Anthology Book category!  Less than 5% of the books submitted get honored or awarded, so we are very grateful! 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Woeful Spotlight: Scott Sevener

Do you have a secret talent?

I don't have nearly enough regular talents to warrant keeping any of them a secret!  I make some mean scrambled eggs, I'm pretty good at floating ... as long as I'm not in water over my head, and I've been known to lose at Monopoly like it's nobody's business.  Does that answer your question???

If a film studio was to do a movie on your life, what would it be titled?

The Life and Times of a Moderately Humorous Man
or
Ghostbusters 3: 'Til Ectoplasm Do We Part...


You come home and find an extraterrestrial on your front porch.  What would be the first three questions you asked it?

"I had no idea it was Halloween - can you wait here while I try to find some candy?"
"What's that you say - kill all humans??"
"Hey, any chance you guys are hiring???"


Promote yourself:  Where can our readers find more of your writing?

My pride and joy is my weekly humor column, which is a lot of fun to write and can be found brand new every Friday over at comedic-genius.com.  Recently I wrote about rescuing my wife's new baby fish from being eaten by their own parents - seriously, how messed up is that?!

I also have a book out - titled The First Seven Years Are Always the Hardest... - which is also available at comedic-genius.com.  It's a collection of my favorite columns from my first seven years of writing humor, and if I may be so bold to say, it would probably look just marvelous on your bookshelf right next to your brand new copy of Mug of Woe!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Woeful Spotlight: Aurelia DeLuca

Your story is about an unfortunate dating experience, of which you seem to have many.  Please share another one with us.

Oh boy, where to start. I was studying abroad in Italy one summer and was corresponding frequently with a boy from school who had embarked on a post-graduation trip around the world. Much to my delight, he decided to make a stop in the small Italian town in which I was staying. He arrived on a Thursday and suggested I blow off my Friday classes. I felt so wrapped up in the magic of being abroad in the midst of a promising romantic escapade that I happily agreed. The next morning, however, the nerd in me emerged. Even after sending my roommate to school with an excuse for me, I ran to class leaving a guy who literally had traveled half way around the world just to see me. I got an A but he was understandably peeved.

Your bio claims you learned geography from the map on your shower curtain.  Do you have any other household furnishings that have offered a significant boost to your I.Q.?

Yes, indeed I do. I own a kiddie cup from Target displaying not 1, not 2 but all 26 letters of the alphabet. For more advanced learning, my abstract floral bed spread also identifies the colors used in its pattern, but they are ultra specific, like "Midday Blue" and "Orange 200." So, not for the beginning color theorist.

If you could go on a road trip with any famous person (dead or alive), who would it be and where would you go?

Well, my first instinct would be Jesus. There seems to be a lot of commotion over what he said or didn't say and what he meant by that. But I can see two hiccups in this plan right now: A. Jesus probably didn't speak English so we'd need a translator. B. He doesn't have a license so I'd have to do all the driving.

So more realistically (because this is all about plausibility, right?), I'd go with Michael Cera. He's laid back, he's funny, he's about my age. It'd be cool to road trip across the country from New York and end up in L.A. By then we'd be buds (or perhaps more? maybe two gauches make a right?) and he could introduce me to his peeps. Also, he, I'm sure, has a drivers license, no offense J.C.

Pimp yourself:  What is next for Aurelia DeLuca? I fully intend to dust off the old blog, http://myparentssayimawesome.blogspot.com in the very near future. Otherwise I'll be suffering awkward circumstances right and left, but content in the fact that I'll have something to write about when I get home.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Woeful Spotlight: Maureen Wittbold

Do you have a secret talent? 

I wish I could say I have a secret talent like tying a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue; however,  if you know me and I have a talent, you are sure to have heard about it by now.

If you could go on a road trip with any famous person (dead or alive), who would it be and where would you go? 

I would take a road trip with Mother Teresa. I doubt we’d stop to buy anything but I’m sure we’d give a lot of ourselves away and that in itself, would be a gift.

If a film studio was to do a movie on your life, what would it be titled?

A movie about me would be called “Coloring outside the Lines” and would be the film version of my novel. I grew up in a large Irish Catholic family with five brothers. No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to do anything perfectly right so I spent my days trying to be the very best I could so that I could save the souls of my brothers who were also lovable but far from perfect themselves.

Promote yourself – where can we find your writing, and what projects are you working on right now?

I am in the process of looking for an agent for my novel. Coloring outside the Lines takes place in, an upper middle class suburb and is home to Harry and Lillian LeBlanc. Harry is the hardworking underdog, victim to Lillian’s alcoholic post bridge game rages, and father to five children. Lillian, the mistress and matriarch of the household, hires and fires the help; however, the help, as often as not, raid the liquor cabinet and leave of their own accord. Deceived and enraged, Lillian feels entitled to use what would have been the maid’s salary, to reward herself with a weekly antique for the domestic services she herself had to render. She fashions herself after Jackie Kennedy and is perpetually chagrined that her husband sells carpet when other husbands golf, enjoy martini lunches, and hobnob with the elite. The children are raised to be guilt ridden ‘you could die in your sleep’ Catholics. Every Sunday, before the Holy Communion wafer has had a chance to dissolve on Lillian’s acerbic tongue, she launches into a commentary about ‘the fruits,’ ‘the wops,’ and the classless members of the church’s congregation. Nightly, the family gathers to pray the rosary.

 Joseph, the oldest son, shares his mother’s sense of entitlement and emotionally batters his siblings. Gerard believes he is a reincarnated Confederate soldier who spends ‘a lot of time on the battlefield in his head.’  Ann, the only daughter, feels a grave responsibility to be a modern day saint until, fueled by hormones, she falls from grace and lusts after swarthy bad boys. Paul, ‘the fanatic,’ irons his Fruit of the Loom underwear. An outfit is never complete without his scapulars. Benjamin, when not being ignored, is ostracized for his simple mind and hearing impairment.

Prejudice is promoted by the adults, battled by the uncomprehending innocents and dominates the themes of sibling rivalry, Catholicism, sexual discovery, success, failure, heartbreak, desire, and loss. Dialogue is succinct, strong, and witty, shaping the characters. Details cement a strong sense of time and place. 

 Fate rears its ugly head when Joseph, falls madly in love with and beds Monica, a young Jamaican maid. The book comes full circle as Lillian, sipping her Jack Daniels Manhattan, pens her yearly Christmas newsletter detailing the illusionary life of her perfect family. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Woeful Spotlight: Paige Kane

Your story is about a case of mistaken identity.  If you were a spy, what would your secret code name be? 
 If I were a spy, my secret code name would be Payne.  First name, Ophelia.  Of course, this is because I am a spy employed by OSHA hired specifically to investigate the folks in the body piercing industry and their relevant background experience.  I find it fascinating that people who can't muster the fortitude to complete a GED are granted license to poke holes in other peoples' bodies. "Here's the form, the fee and the boy scout promise not to pierce anyone under the age of 18."   I think there's more to it than that, but that gets your foot in the door.  Whoa.
What do you miss about being a kid?   
I miss everything about being a kid.  I miss not wearing a watch.  I miss melted popsicle juice slobbering down the front of my terrycloth halter top and yet looking perfectly appropriate for a kid on a hot summer day.  I miss the sense and excitement of an entirely unknownlife ready to unfold before me…that anything is possible.   But what I miss the most is just being with my family.  So many of my extended family members moved away and didn't stay in touch.  It's sad.  And, of course, all of those who have passed.  When you're a kid and you’re stuck for hours on end at a family function, you take for granted that it's always going to be that way.  I never guessed that our family would scatter, but they did and I don't have nearly enough photos of those early memories.
If you could go on a road trip with any famous person (dead or alive), who would it be and where would you go? 
If I could go on a road trip with anyone,it would be JFK, Jr.  We would travel to places that most represent the idea of Americana to me.  Charleston, St. Louis, Austin.  Yes, I know. You wanted to hear me say someone riveting like the Dalai Lama or someone controversial like Richard Nixon.  I'm certainly interested in history and social issues but sorry folks, if I'm going to be confined in a vehicle with someone for more than an hour, they have to look good and smell better.  It's that simple. 
 Promote yourself – where can we find your writing, and what projects are you working on right now?
The things I've written are hard to come by as the majority of my work (screenplays) aren't usually made available to the public.  Although, I did win the Nevada Film Fest's 2009 Short Screenplay top prize and I'm willing to send it to anyone interested in reading/producing it!  I recently wrote a promo/doc for the Newport Film Commission, a children's book for which I am currently researching agents and I've been working on a novel about an American family struggling against the backdrop of the Vietnam War.  Other than that, I haven't been busy at all!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Woeful Spotlight: John J. White

So, your wife is your editor. Are you ever forced to sleep on the couch for silly grammar mistakes, such as using a semicolon wrong?
No. The couch is reserved for spelling mistakes. My wife won her fourth grade spelling bee and has been rubbing it in ever since. I can’t spell. I have never used their, there, or they’re properly in a sentence. I also can’t type, which is why St. Pam, as my writing friends call my wife, types my hand written prose, which looks like it was written by an apoplectic chicken on Oxycontin.

Obviously, stealing toilet paper takes the cake of embarrassing college stories, but do you have any others you'd like to share?
The city shut off the water temporarily to my college apartment complex at 4 PM. That didn’t stop me from trying the faucets and leaving them on. I went to work and came home to my second story apartment about 10 PM to hear water pouring into my neighbor’s apartment downstairs. Fortunately, I had no money so they couldn’t sue.
So, you actually met your future mother-in-law before you met your future wife. How did Myrtle react when her daughter brought the infamous Toilet Paper Caper home for the first time?
She raised her eyebrows when she recognized me but never said a thing. Probably because earlier that day I had gone surfing in big waves and the seawater got stuck in my nasal cavity. Hours later it dripped out when I least expected it, right on my porterhouse during dinner. I believe that made Myrtle forget the toilet paper incident.
What's in the works for you right now in the realm of writing?
I am finishing a novel titled Nisei, about a Japanese – American boy in Hawaii and his experiences at Pearl Harbor, in the internment camps, and during his tour of duty with the 442nd Regimental Combat Team in Europe after D-Day. It’s not supposed to be funny, but I do have some other humorous short stories and novel excerpts on my website at www.jjwhite.org.