Woeful Spotlight: Co-editor, Kyle Cranston

One of your essays mentions a pirate cruise. What would your pirate name be, and what special pirate skills would you have? 
 

Four-eyed Kylie. My special skills would include bobbing for gold coins and chugging wine directly from the jug. I also think I'd make an excellent swashbuckler.

What are hand bangs? 

Hand bangs are what you get when you're a hairy beast who partially shaves the hair on his hands so you're sporting a Loyd Christmas hairdo near your pinkies.

One of your essays is about speed dating. What advice would you give someone who was going to a speed dating session for the first time? 
Don't! Skip it and go get yourself some nachos instead. Speed friending is okay though. I've actually met some good friends that way, and I'm not being sarcastic either.
  
If you were a professional psychic, what would your name be? 
Kyle the Radtastic - I will not rest until I've successfully brought the word "radical" back into everyday English vernacular.

Pimp yourself! Where can we find your work?

Besides Mug of Woe, You can help me earn pennies by checking out my online dating column: http://www.examiner.com/online-dating-27-in-boston/kyle-cranston. I have a blog I never seem to get around updating: http://nerdrodite.blogspot.com/. You can also stalk me on Twitter @nerdrodite.  

Woeful Spotlight: Co-Editor, Jenn Dlugos

One of your essays is about your attempt to hit up a costume party in a getup that would make Freddy Krueger queasy. What other costumes can we find in your closet?

Freddy has no grounds to be queasy, quite frankly, considering there is a Freddy costume in my closet.  One year I actually went as Freddy’s cat, with foot-long plastic razors on my gloves for claws.  Upside:  I won Most Creative Costume.  Downside:  I had absolutely no use of my hands for the evening.    

Define Muppet Eyes.

Muppet eyes occur when your pupils dilate to the size of Cookie Monster's during Girl Scout cookie season. Muppet eyes in humans are triggered by excessive stress, sadistic eye doctors, and almost drowning in a swan boat.

If you were to write a memoir, what would you title it?

Sense and Sensible Shoes

Who would you make president of your fan club?

My 88-year old grandfather. He's retired, so he has the time, and he’d probably do a good job as long as the board meetings aren’t scheduled during JAG or Wheel of Fortune. 

Where can we find more of your work?

My main site is http://www.dejennerate.com/, and you can follow my independent films at http://www.capricorn-pictures.com   You can also stalk me on Twitter @jenndlugos.   

Woeful Spotlight: Steve Albert

You're a stand-up comic.  What is the strangest show you've done? 

I actually used to be a regular on The Naked Show. Unfortunately, the host (Andy O'Feisch, good guy. Still get along with him) decided I was too alternative for a show where the performers are literally naked. Did that show about ten times. During one of the earlier shows I blanked out 7 minutes into a 10 minute set I and asked Andy if he was ready to come back because if you're not "I am sooo f@#ked." Easily one of the biggest laughs I've ever gotten.

What is your secret talent?

After ten years of working in psych hospitals and homeless shelters I'm able to keep a straight face while listening to cubicle drones whine about stupid shit.


You come home and find an extra-terrestrial on your porch.  What three questions would you ask him? 

1) Need a beer?
2) What do you mean you don't drink?
3) Do I LOOK like I want to join your cult?!

Promote yourself.  Where can our readers find more of you? 

Ratbas.com and I'm also Ratbas on FB, Youtube and Twitter

Woeful Spotlight: Suzette Standring

You are required to move to a deserted island for one year.  You are allowed to take five items.  What do you take? 

No techno options, soooooo:

• A machete because something will need to be cut through, cut down or cut up.
• A fishing rod – I can make do on a steady diet of sushi.
• The Bible because it’s challenging, comforting, enlightening and LONG.
• Drinking water
• My husband, David, to cut, fish, build, and heft pallets of water while I read.

Crayola wants to create a crayon in honor of you.  What would they name the color?

Fission Confusion – Energy yellow with a touch of chaos.

If you could go on a road trip with any famous person (dead or alive), who would it be and where would you go? 

David Sedaris and I would travel to San Francisco (my hometown) and watch the lady spit pumpkin seeds onto the bus floor, eat at “The Hawaiian BBQ Café” where no barbecue has ever been offered and read haiku on the sidewalks of the Embarcadero.

Promote yourself – where can we find your writing, and what projects are you working on right now? 

Suzette Martinez Standring is syndicated with GateHouse News Service for her humor and religion columns. She is the award winning author of The Art of Column  Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists. She teaches writing workshops nationally and is currently working on “Have Stepstool, Will Travel: Petite Women Speak of Stature,” a guide to navigating the world at armpit level written by women, 5’3” and under.

Mug of Woe is now Award-Winning!

Thanks to the New England Book Festival for awarding Mug of Woe as the runner-up in the Best Anthology Book category!  Less than 5% of the books submitted get honored or awarded, so we are very grateful! 

Woeful Spotlight: Scott Sevener

Do you have a secret talent?

I don't have nearly enough regular talents to warrant keeping any of them a secret!  I make some mean scrambled eggs, I'm pretty good at floating ... as long as I'm not in water over my head, and I've been known to lose at Monopoly like it's nobody's business.  Does that answer your question???

If a film studio was to do a movie on your life, what would it be titled?

The Life and Times of a Moderately Humorous Man
or
Ghostbusters 3: 'Til Ectoplasm Do We Part...

You come home and find an extraterrestrial on your front porch.  What would be the first three questions you asked it?

"I had no idea it was Halloween - can you wait here while I try to find some candy?"
"What's that you say - kill all humans??"
"Hey, any chance you guys are hiring???"

Promote yourself:  Where can our readers find more of your writing?

My pride and joy is my weekly humor column, which is a lot of fun to write and can be found brand new every Friday over at comedic-genius.com.  Recently I wrote about rescuing my wife's new baby fish from being eaten by their own parents - seriously, how messed up is that?!

I also have a book out - titled The First Seven Years Are Always the Hardest... - which is also available at comedic-genius.com.  It's a collection of my favorite columns from my first seven years of writing humor, and if I may be so bold to say, it would probably look just marvelous on your bookshelf right next to your brand new copy of Mug of Woe!

Woeful Spotlight: Aurelia DeLuca

Your story is about an unfortunate dating experience, of which you seem to have many.  Please share another one with us.

Oh boy, where to start. I was studying abroad in Italy one summer and was corresponding frequently with a boy from school who had embarked on a post-graduation trip around the world. Much to my delight, he decided to make a stop in the small Italian town in which I was staying. He arrived on a Thursday and suggested I blow off my Friday classes. I felt so wrapped up in the magic of being abroad in the midst of a promising romantic escapade that I happily agreed. The next morning, however, the nerd in me emerged. Even after sending my roommate to school with an excuse for me, I ran to class leaving a guy who literally had traveled half way around the world just to see me. I got an A but he was understandably peeved.

Your bio claims you learned geography from the map on your shower curtain.  Do you have any other household furnishings that have offered a significant boost to your I.Q.?

Yes, indeed I do. I own a kiddie cup from Target displaying not 1, not 2 but all 26 letters of the alphabet. For more advanced learning, my abstract floral bed spread also identifies the colors used in its pattern, but they are ultra specific, like "Midday Blue" and "Orange 200." So, not for the beginning color theorist.

If you could go on a road trip with any famous person (dead or alive), who would it be and where would you go?

Well, my first instinct would be Jesus. There seems to be a lot of commotion over what he said or didn't say and what he meant by that. But I can see two hiccups in this plan right now: A. Jesus probably didn't speak English so we'd need a translator. B. He doesn't have a license so I'd have to do all the driving.

So more realistically (because this is all about plausibility, right?), I'd go with Michael Cera. He's laid back, he's funny, he's about my age. It'd be cool to road trip across the country from New York and end up in L.A. By then we'd be buds (or perhaps more? maybe two gauches make a right?) and he could introduce me to his peeps. Also, he, I'm sure, has a drivers license, no offense J.C.

Pimp yourself:  What is next for Aurelia DeLuca? I fully intend to dust off the old blog, http://myparentssayimawesome.blogspot.com in the very near future. Otherwise I'll be suffering awkward circumstances right and left, but content in the fact that I'll have something to write about when I get home.